


I wonder if he would do it differently

by we_only_post_trash_here



Series: Ren and Akira are twins AU (because I'm original) [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Light Angst, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Teen Angst, just a crappy au, persona 5 protagonist has a twin AU, some oc appear for the sake of the story, they are plot device, vent fic (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 16:43:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17267690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_only_post_trash_here/pseuds/we_only_post_trash_here
Summary: Since the very beginning of his existence, Ren has never fit inHe wasn’t sure why, it was some sort of thought that lingered in his mind, a voice telling him you are not supposed to be here, you don’t belong hereRen tried not to dwell too much on it and tried not pay any attention to the voice in his head but, as years went on, that proved difficult





	I wonder if he would do it differently

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic, english is not my first language, this has grammatical mistakes
> 
> you know what's the deal

Without understanding exactly why, Ren grew up with a pair of everything: two robot toys that look exactly the same, both with red limbs and their torsos painted with a plain grey, all of his shirts had a pair with the same colors and numbers and the same goes for his shoes. At first he thought it was a precaution of his mom, thinking that maybe he would lose some of those things, and in case he did, he would have a replacement. If he was being honest, Ren liked the idea a lot. He was kind of clumsy when he was a little kid so it wasn’t a surprise when one of the robots arms broke or when one of his shirts (his favorite) got stained with soy sauce, he always had a replacement ready for him. Thankfully, he still tried to take care of his things so, even if he was clumsy, the ‘doom’ of his possessions were still a rarity

But something little Ren could never understand was why he slept in a bunk bed

He thought that maybe his mother bought it in case Ren brought friends home and they decided to have a sleepover, but that never happened; Ren was unable to make friends at all. He couldn’t understand why, but he heard some of the kids say that he and his family were weird

Even with those peculiarities that surrounded him, he was a happy child; he had a mommy and a daddy who loved him and that was everything he needed and wanted. He didn’t care if he had no friends, he didn’t think it was weird to have a pair of everything and he thought it was cool to have two beds for himself

He didn’t care about anything at all

* * *

Everything became more or less clearer to Ren at the age of 10

He was walking back home from school on a rainy day. He particularly like it when the weather was like this; he felt less anxious, less stressed and his thoughts became somehow clearer. Days like these also provided him an incredible concentration and motivation to do his homework and other school activities like those monthly projects he hated with all his might (mainly because they were group projects and he always ended up doing them alone). Long story short, he loved rainy days 

Seeing his house in the distance gave him relief; today wasn’t a really good one (something happened at school but he didn’t want to talk about it) and he just wanted to spend time with his parents and eat his mother’s cooking. His pace quickened and in matter of seconds he was standing on his doorstep looking for his key that was somewhere inside that black void he calls backpack. Ren's house was nothing out of the ordinary, at least in this town; it was a two story house, both floors had a balcony and it had three sets of windows on each side. It looked a little old from the outside and the inside was almost the same, with tatami floors, a genkan and those sliding doors made of paper (at this age he still doesn’t know the name of those types of doors). Another feature was that he and his family didn’t live alone at all. In the second floor, lived and old but lovely lady

Speaking of which, she was leaving her apartment at that exact moment

“Oh my, but if it is Ren-chan”- she smiled at him while he tried to somehow cover his embarrassed face- “Going out?”

“No...I’m just...” 

She smiled at him a placed her hand on top of his head- “I see, coming back from school?”- he nodded shyly- “I’m going out but I made some sweets this morning. If you’re feeling up to it, we can eat them together when I come back”-She ruffled his hair a little bit and then started walking. She waved her hand an left

Ren kind of liked her, she was like a grandmother to him. She saw him being born, she saw him grew up and she saw him become a “gentleman” or whatever that means. He even dared to say that this lady spends more time with him that his parents did; not that he really minds, his parents were caring and loving but also busy so it wasn’t weird for Ren to spend most of his afternoons with her. He doesn’t know her family name but her given name is Akiko. 

Akiko-san was such a mysterious woman to him; she was always happy and supportive of him, always defending him when his parents scolded him. But Ren wasn’t the only one, she was like that with all the kids of the town, she was like everyone’s grandma and was loved by everyone. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous when she gave treats or sweets to other kids, but deep down Ren knew he was special to her

The thing with Akiko-san is that she lost her son and grandchildren in an accident. Ren didn’t know the details but he was old enough to understand what was death and how it can affect a person. It's not a surprise she felt lonely, her only family was completely gone. Or that how it was until the Kurusus moved into the old yet cozy two story house. Kage and Haruka Kurusu were just married when they moved in and three years later Haruka was pregnant. During those nine months and the years that came after, it wasn’t  surprising that Akiko-san considered the Kurusus as her own family; she even was the only one allowed to call him ‘Ren-chan (much to his embarrassment) 

Of course, the clear preference was one of the reasons why no one wanted to be his friends. They all lived with jealously inside their hearts. They all lived with distorted desires

Entering his house, Ren was welcomed with a sweet aroma. He wasn’t so sure what his mother was cooking but, with a smell like this, it had to be delicious. He went to the kitchen and saw his father reading the newspaper while his mother was washing the dishes. It was one of those moments between the two of them where their sole company was enough and a sense of peace and tranquility filled the house. Ren hated to interrupt these moments with his uninteresting and (probably) annoying chattering and presence, but he thought it is better to announce his arrival rather than just sit on the table and scare the shit out of his parents (something that happens regularly)

“Mom, Dad, I’m back!”- he said with enthusiasm as he sat in front of his father. Kage just looked at him and grunted; he was probably tired and didn’t want to deal with him right now (nothing entirely new). His mother stopped what she was doing, turned around and gave her son the biggest bear hug her tiny and skinny arms could allow. She then proceeded to put her hands on his checks and kissed every free spot of his face (again, nothing entirely new)

“My little boy, how are you?”-she asked him, still kissing him- “I missed you today, did you miss me?”

Ren had to admit that both questions were strange to him. She saw him this morning before leaving so why would she ask those question as if she haven’t see him in ages?

“Oh my little Akira, I’m so happy to see you” she said softly. Ren immediately when rigid, not understanding exactly why. He felt something burning inside of him, his insides churning with something he could recognized as disgust. He wasn’t so sure why he felt like this but a voice in his mind said with anger

_'Who is this Akira?'_

He looked at his father, hoping that he would give him an answer, but that didn’t happen. He looked at Haruka with a worried expression but continued reading.Haruka released her son and served the food; she sat between her husband and son and started a light conversation with the younger one, asking him about his day and how it went

But during that time they spent talking, Ren couldn’t shake the felling that his mother was talking to someone else and not him

It wouldn’t be the last time his mother called him Akira either 

* * *

It was at the age of 13 when Ren saw his father for the last time

During his early teenage years, Ren preferred to stay inside his room, just leaving  it if he had to eat or go to the bathroom. His parents seemed concerned about this change of behavior; when he was younger, Ren would go outside and play even if it was by himself, he was a happy child with a bright smile. But something (he wasn’t so sure what) changed him; life was just boring and gray, filled with problems, unbearable and overwhelming. Just dull and empty. Even so, his parents decided to let him be, thinking that it was probably a phase. His early teenage years were also the time when his parents started screaming at each other on a daily basis

He knew they sometimes had trouble with communication (even someone like him could understand that sometimes adults just don’t understand each other) and that lead them to yell to each other from time to time. He thought it was somehow hilarious, even though he wasn't a subject in those screaming parties they had, he couldn't help but feel it was, in a way, his fault that they were fighting to begin with

But this time was different

Ren was doing his homework when his parents started to yell and scream. Slightly annoyed and unable to concentrate, he decided to look for his headphones and listen to some music. It may sound edgy or stupid but he finds peace with music, as a way to escape some of the problems and situations that bothers him every day. The yells increased and he was able to hear what they were saying more clearly. He was desperate to find his goddamn headphones so he doesn’t have to deal with his parents bullshit, but it was his father’s voice that stopped him on his tracks

“It’s your fault it happened and you know it!”- his father yelled- “If it wasn’t for your weak and good for nothing body, for your awful health, he wouldn’t be dead!”

Ren wasn’t so sure what they were talking about, but the mention of death made him think that the discussion escalated quickly. Also, was he implying that his mother (the sweetest being alive) was the reason why someone died?. At this point he knew that it was pointless to ignore whatever his parents were talking about so he continued listening

“My fault!? It wasn’t my fault!”- his mother yelled back, it seems she was on the verge of tears- “If you are going to blame someone, blame your son! It was his fault he died!”

Ren’s eyes widened and he gulped

“It’s not my fault that I wasn’t able to carry the two of them! It was his fault for being there in the first place!”

And that was the moment Ren put two and two together and everything… just made sense: a pair of everything, the bunk bed, his mother calling him Akira from time to time....It was so blatantly obvious that he wanted to smack himself in the head for his stupidity

He heard how everything quiet down for a moment and then he could hear a door slam shut

His dad didn't come back home that night

Ren knows this is his fault

* * *

It was at the age of 14 when Ren learned to blame himself

 

_It is your fault that he left both of you_

 

_It is your fault they divorced_

 

_It is your fault she has double work to do_

 

_It is your fault she has to take pills_

 

_It is your fault everyone hates her_

 

Japan’s society is either progressive or retrogressive and in this case, is the latter. Divorced women are seen as sluts and unfaithful bitches who ruined the only job they had; they even are paid less and have to do more shifts in order to take care of their kids. In the eyes of the town, Haruka Amamiya was a woman who didn’t do her job right

 

_I’ve heard she slept with another man_

 

_I’ve heard she loved him for his money_

 

_I’ve heard she slept with the attorney so she could have the kid all to herself_

 

_I’ve heard she sleeps with other men for money_

 

All of them were lies, rumors spread by the elderly and other women who didn’t know any better

And it was all his fault

Ren would go back home from school every day, hearing the rumors flying around and spreading through the streets. The school was basically the same; teachers and students alike would look at him with pity while sharing their secrets with each other. Every time he was at his doorstep he would meet with Akiko-san outside and she would also look at him with pity, telling him encouraging words of support that were somehow empty even if they came out of her mouth with a soft voice

He was sick of it 

Every time he would announce his presence in front of his mother she would look at him with a scared expression but then it would soften and she would smile fondly at him, saying “Hello Akira. Did you have a good day at school today?”

 

_It is your fault Akira is dead_

 

"I had a great day mom, how was yours?"

 

_How does it feel to be the shadow of a dead person_

 

He was sick of everything 

_______________________________________________

It was at the age of 16 when Ren learned how cruel the world is

He thought he was doing a good deed when he tried to help a woman from a drunk man, but karma’s a bitch and the drunk guy ended up being a politician 

 

_It is your fault her life is ruined_

 

It doesn’t matter how many times he tried to apologize to his mother; it’s not like she was disappointed, but more like the rest of the town was, putting an overwhelming amount of pressure on her, to the point where she sometimes did “reckless” things

 

_It is your fault she almost hanged herself_

 

People were afraid of him. Nobody looked at him with pity anymore, they looked at him with hate. His teachers didn’t even let him come to school, afraid that he might do something to other students. Going outside was hard too, no one wanted a criminal inside their shops and stores

 

_It is your fault everyone hates you_

 

Rumors full of lies could be heard around the school, the hallways crowded with students saying things that didn’t happen, describing him as the devil himself, glares filled with hate instead of worry, teachers gossiping and making plans to ruin his already destroyed future

 

He was sick of it

 

_It is your fault_

 

He was truly sick of it

 

Akiko-san was the same as everyone else. He wasn’t so sure if it was just to follow everyone’s example or just because she really did feel disgusted by his actions. Every time she saw him, she would look at him with an expression that shows something that was beyond rage. The last time he saw her, she looked at him and only muttered the word ‘disgusting’ before she left her house. After that encounter, Ren never saw her again

It was decided to send him to Tokyo for his probation. At this point he didn’t care, he was actually happy to leave his hometown; living in that environment wasn’t good for a kid like him after all

His mother was the only one who went to the station with him to say her goodbyes; others saw his departure as the solution of a problem, a problem that wasn’t theirs, hence, there was no need for them to assist to the event

Both Ren and Haruka waited for the train in silence. If he was being honest, he wasn’t sad, he just felt...empty. He knew his mother would be better without him but the damage was already done so he wasn’t completely sure. The train arrived and Ren took few of his belongings, walking slowly to the platform, but before he could get on, his mother stopped him

“Honey, wait a moment”-she said softly while searching something that was inside her purse- “It’s probably not the best but I think it might help”

She took out a pair of glasses. They looked worn out but still hold some kind of charm. Ren took them, being a little bit confused by his mother’s gift

“People with glasses are less threatening, don’t you think?”

He put them on and nothing in his field of vision changed, meaning that this glasses were either fake or had a slight correction. He hated to admit it, but he kind of liked them

The station announcement made the call saying that the train was about to leave. Haruka put her hands on his cheeks and kissed them- “I already sent your stuff, so don’t worry about that and focus on enjoying  your trip to Tokyo”

Ren seemed unsure about enjoying the trip but nodded anyway. He got on the train and heard his mother say with a broken voice and teary eyes “Please be safe”

 

_It is your fault she’s suffering_

 

“I love you Akira”

 

_You are the shadow of a dead person_

 

"I love you too, mom"

 

There was no point in correcting her

* * *

**_What’s the matter? Are you simply going to watch? Are you forsaking him to save yourself? Death awaits him if you do nothing. Was your previous decision a mistake then?_ **

 

_It wasn’t_

 

**_Very well...I have heeded your resolve_ **

**_Vow to me_ **

**_I am thou, thou art I_ **

 

Everything that happened inside that castle was kind of a blur to him; the blue flames, the creature that called itself Arsene, that weird version of Kamoshida or whatever the hell his name was…

Even sitting beside the guy who wandered alongside him inside that place, the same guy who tried to save him despite knowing him for ten minutes, was still surreal to him

Ryuji Sakamoto was the school’s most notorious ‘delinquent’, a pest among pest that should be taken care of as soon as possible, a kind guy who listened to all his misfortunes and was at the verge of tears when he heard his story

“You didn’t do anything wrong! it’s so unfair!”

The emotions Ren felt at that exact moment were hard to describe: happiness, sadness, frustration...but the prominent one was astonishment

It was the first time someone took his side

It was the first time someone was kind to him

It was the first time the annoying voice didn’t make a comment

* * *

Ren expected a lot of things from Tokyo, but something he didn’t expect was to be part of an unusual group of people. He thought only Ryuji (and later Morgana) would be part of his schemes and heists, but later he discovered that wasn’t the case

It began with Ann joining the group and how, with her help, they came up with a name for it, making it official. She had her doubts in the beginning but, after Shiho’s attempt, she didn’t hesitate anymore

 

_You took your sweet time, it’s your fault she jumped_

 

Yusuke was weird from the very beginning, with his mannerisms, the way he talked and how he was obsessed with drawing a nude painting. After stealing Madarame’s heart, Yusuke wasn’t afraid of being himself around the group and that weirdness was actually part of his quirky personality. He would talk with honesty and give sincere opinions normal people would think twice before saying. If he was being honest, Ren was amused

 

_It’s your fault he doesn’t have a place to call home anymore_

 

Makoto was rather annoying, bossing them around and stalking them nonstop. Ren thought she was one of those girls who did everything she could to please adults for the benefits it brings but, after Kaneshiro’s fiasco, he looked at her differently; a girl who was imposed to act and think like that. After she found her will of rebellion, she joined and even became (though she didn’t like to admit it) the mother-hen of the group. Ren had to admit he liked her quite a lot

 

_It’s your fault she was kidnapped by Kaneshiro, only God knows what could have happened to her_

 

Futaba was a character he could relate to; someone afraid of people, driven by lies and harmed by adults. The only difference between the two was that Ren wasn’t a hikikomori like her. He appreciated her and looked at her as the little sister he never had, laughing at her antics and helping her overcome her social anxiety filled that emptiness inside of him

 

For some reason, the voice didn’t make a comment

 

Haru was a curious character to him; so kind yet so violent. When Morgana left and they knew about her, they found out she was in a tight spot. Having sympathy they helped her with her father’s palace and she joined the group

 

_It is your fault Okumura-san died_

 

Ren found a place to belong, a place where people loved him and counted with him, a place he didn’t want to lose

A place he could call home, a place he had to protect 

That’s why he offered himself to be bait in the traitor’s plan. Most of them were against the idea but Ren explained that he was the leader and the one they wanted. They finally agreed and prepared the plan…

...A plan he regretted the moment his limbs, head and existence started hurting

But what haunted the most was the face Akechi made when he shot him: full of pride and fulfillment

He couldn’t stand the pain anymore so he just slumped on the table and waited for everything to pass, for it to go away

“Amamiya-kun?”- a soft yet strict voice said to him- “We don’t have time, we need to go”

Everything that happened after that was a blur in his memory

* * *

Since the day he arrived in Tokyo, Ren asked himself if all of this was a mistake, if all of this was even worth it 

He was scared. He knew how a prison looked like, he knew what they did to the ones who disobeyed, he knew how dangerous most of these people were (they’re criminals after all) and Ren was sure that defending himself was not an option; Arsene wasn’t with him anymore, none of his personas were with him anymore

For the first time since he came to Tokyo, Ren felt lost and alone 

He regretted a lot of things, his existence was one of them; he thought that maybe if he wasn’t born everything would be easier. He wondered if Akira being here instead of him would made things easier for his family, if Akira being here would let his parents find that almost forgotten love they had for one another

He wonder if dad would never had left them

And it makes him so mad, to hate a person that doesn’t even exist, to hate an existence who lived in this world no more than a few minutes, hating himself knowing that this person would be better than him, would made things go different, would not make the same mistakes

Or maybe he was exaggerating and was glorifying a dead person

It doesn’t matter at this point to be honest, he only knew that today was a bad day and thinking about the guy wasn’t making it better. Nothing was going to make it better

He looked at his phone and saw ‘4:30 am’ written on the locked screen 

He knew it was going to be impossible to go back to sleep so he might as well be productive and help around the store

_'For the last time’_ he thought grimly 

He went downstairs and began making coffee; it would probably be the last decent...anything his stomach would get for a long time. It didn’t taste the same as Sojiro’s but it was good

He should thank him for teaching him about coffee. At first, knowing all the kinds of beans and all the other coffee related stuff seemed pointless but he was glad he took the time to learn 

It was a good memory 

Once he was finished, he proceeded to make another one and, while waiting for it to be ready, he decided to clean and wash anything that was either dirty or out place. Apparently, Sojiro and Futaba had a Christmas dinner while he was at his date and didn’t bother to clean the mess they’ve made

He wonders if they had fun

He kind of regrets not having dinner with them last night

“Isn’t it a little too early to be doing things in my kitchen?”

A voice startled him, which shouldn’t have happened considering this is the same voice he hears everyday. Sojiro entered the shop and put his coat and fedora behind the counter as he always does. Ren thought it was weird for him to be here so early in the morning; granted, Boss was an early person but wasn’t it a little too early?

He looked at the clock that was on top of the fridge and saw the hour. It marked 5:30 in the morning

He spent the last hour moping around, what a surprise

Sojiro started making coffee for himself and prepared everything he needed to start his day. Ren limited himself to wash the things he used and tried to go back to his room

Emphasis on the word _tried_ because Sojiro didn’t let him

“You have a big day today, so better put your ass on that chair and wait for your breakfast”

He didn’t say it with irony or with a mocking tone or anything like that. Sojiro actually sounded angry, sounded exactly the same as when he came through that door that day of April 

It felt like literal years since that day

Ren seated himself on the first chair of the counter and didn’t say a word. Sojiro, on the other hand, poured the coffee inside a cup and gave it to him, which made Ren confused. Didn’t he made that coffee for himself?

“Don’t look at me like that, and just drink it”

So he did

The taste was wonderful, as always

In the meantime, he saw how Sojiro was angrily cutting vegetables and pouring other ingredients to make his famous curry. It wasn’t a strange sight per se, but Ren thought that in the last year he was becoming less aggressive and more...loving wouldn’t be the word, more like fatherly-like towards him

Yeah, a father figure

And that was such an strange thought to him because he never knew he would see Sojiro that way, to sometimes wish for him to be his father, it was such a strange feeling

He heard Sojiro sigh loudly and noticed how he was looking at him, as if expecting him to say something 

Words were a foreign concept to Ren at this moment

But it’s not like he had to break his brain searching for words to say, Sojiro beat him to that “I know I’m not really an open person or...I don’t know...just-“ -even he was having trouble, it felt good to know he wasn’t the only one- “I took you in for a reason; I know better than anyone how cruel the word is and I know how people treat the ones like you”

It was a this moment that Ren realized he wasn’t angry, he was worried

“I thought you were a problem child, and it turns out...you actually are”- he chuckled- “But because you are, you actually saved Futaba...and for that, I must thank you”

No, he shouldn’t be thanking him for anything. Everything he’s done was a mistake, he was scum of society, a criminal, he doesn’t deserved gratefulness, haven’t they see everything that happened because of his mistakes?

How Shiho almost killed herself? How Okumura-san had a mental shutdown? How Akechi **_fucking_ **died?

He didn’t deserve it, he didn’t…

“Thank you for saving my daughter”

And it hit him, it hit him so hard he felt stupid about everything

 

_You gave Ryuji a purpose_

 

_You gave Ann courage_

 

_You gave Yusuke freedom_

 

_You gave Makoto the opportunity to find herself_

 

_You saved Futaba_

 

_You gave Haru a dream_

 

_You gave Akechi the opportunity to redeem himself_

 

_You gave Morgana a place to belong, a place he could call home_

 

And he cried, he cried so loud that Sojiro panicked and went to his side to try to calm him down, he cried so loud that he probably woke up Futaba (her fault for putting microphones around the store), he cried so loud because for the first time his existence brought happiness to others, because he realized he was needed 

Ren was needed

And at this moment he thought if Akira would be able to do this, all of this 

 

_You helped so many people, saved so many lives, so Ren please, stop blaming yourself_

 

He cried so loud because the voice inside his head sounded different and kinder

* * *

“How many did you target?”

“A lot”

“Who was your favorite target?”

“Medjed”

“How were you capable of taking down Medjed?”

“No comment”

“Why did you become a Phantom Thieve?”

“What are you? An interviewer?”

It’s been almost a month since Ren was arrested and sent to juvie. If he was being honest, it could be worse 

The people here weren’t as violent as he thought they world be, the majority were just robbers with light sentences and others were...well, high profile criminals but those were kept away for obvious reasons. Ren really thought he would be put with the dangerous kind (mostly because of Okumura’s case) but thanks to Sae and her connections, he was put in the main hall

Probably the thing he hated the most about the place was the “Let’s Be Part Of Society Again” program, which consisted in teaching civic subjects, laws, ethics and sometimes go outside to do some community service. Now, it’s not like he hated those things, he hated the fact that he had to see those subjects all over again; yes, he knew about the 5 principles of ethics; yes, he knew about laws and about the Japanese constitution; **yes, he knew how to be a good citizen**

Even though society saw him as the opposite of that last statement

But because he knew about all these subjects, he was able to ace all of the exams the teachers gave them; he even became the tutor of quite a lot of the prisoners, which was a good action of his part because 1: the teachers were surprised when the grades of other inmates were becoming more and more promising, meaning that they were able to understand their wrong doings and 2: by doing this, he had to go out less to do community service

Again, it’s not like he didn’t like it, it was more like feeling ashamed to go outside wearing a juvie uniform

During his time tutoring, he encountered a young boy (probably his age or a year younger) called Yoshimori Sakoda; his name sounded familiar to him but he wasn’t sure why

He was also his cell mate 

And the one asking obnoxious questions

Ren sighed. It’s been like an hour since the guards said ‘lights off’ and told everyone to go sleep. It was a truth that he’s having trouble sleeping, which makes him tired and cranky and makes him want to die a little, which is also another reason to be annoyed by his cell mate

Who, by the way, laughed at his question

“I’m not”- he said- “I wanted to be one though, but I can’t, not anymore”

And Ren wants to say that yes of course he can, he can if he tries; but he knows better, he knows how the world works and he knows that someone with a record has no future

Words just don’t come out of his mouth, he doesn’t know what to say

“Why did you become a Phantom Thieve?" He asks again

And he truly wonders, why exactly did he became a Phantom Thieve in the first place? Was it to destroy this rotten society? Was to gave a taste of their own medicine to all those people? Was to redeem himself somehow? He’s not really sure what the right answer is; he knows all those questions are part of the reason but there’s something else, something he’s forgetting, something…

“Because I wanted to give them a place to belong”

Something he never said out loud but always thought 

“The people who were part of my group never fit with society standards”- he started- “They thought ‘there’s something wrong with me I have to change’ and always believed that they would be outcasts, slaves of their circumstances and victims of expectations”

He took a deep breath and his sight became blurry

“All of us had different yet so similar situations...and we knew there were people like us who were incapable of doing anything about it”- he took another breath- “So we thought, if we can, then, why not?” 

And then there was silence. He knew he was crying and tried to do it as quietly as possible

He didn’t understand why he was crying though

“I was a bully, and because of that, a classmate of mine committed suicide”- Yosimori said suddenly- “And even though that happened, I didn’t stop”

Ren was surprised by the sudden confession

“I was scum of society and I wasn’t able to see it”- Ren noticed how Yoshimori’s voice was wavering- “But, if it wasn’t for the Phantom Thieves, then I wouldn’t be able to pay for what I did”

He talked as if they helped him somehow, but he just couldn’t remember…

“Thank you Ren Amamiya, leader of the Phantom Thieves, for giving me an opportunity”

 

_“‘Mementos request: One Who Bullies Bullies’ it’s a go!”_

 

One of their firsts requests

One of the many people they somehow helped

 

_Thank you for giving me the opportunity to belong again_

 

Ren was able to sleep peacefully that night

* * *

He would miss everything

Doing lock picks with Morgana, training with Ryuji, go shopping with Ann, spending time with Yusuke, teaching Makoto the true lifestyle of a high schooler, playing video games with Futaba and talking with Haru about her coffee shop dream 

He would also miss the coffee and the curry, the clinical trials, the shady ‘Untouchable’ bullshit, the shogi, standing like an idiot holding that stupid sign, playing in the arcade, helping with people’s fortune, the gossip…

He will miss all that

But it’s no like he’s sad; the last couple of days were spent just messing around with his friends, go camping (he finally learn how to start a fire thanks to Ryuji) and just visiting parts of Japan he never knew he would visit. He also was impressed how dedicated Makoto was with this trip; he would wake up during the night and find out that the van wasn’t parked where they left it before going to sleep

This was something that went on for a few nights and Ren couldn’t help but ask her

“I’m afraid of the police spotting us, a van full of teenagers could be a van full of trouble you know?” 

He decided to leave it like that, the last thing he (and probably everyone else) wanted was to be arrested _again_

And even though they would travel during the night, they arrived at Ren’s town two good weeks after leaving Tokyo 

The place was the same as he remembered, not like it would change in a year; same houses, same people, same school, same old bridge…

Same hateful town

At that moment he realized that he, in fact, didn’t want to be here. It’s true that people still hated him, that going to school would be as nightmarish as it was before, that being home would mean he would be called Akira again

And it’s true that he moved on of that, but he didn’t want to go to square one; he believes he made so much progress just to be all destroyed by a single word

“Hey look! Someone lost all their HP!” Futaba said, interrupting his train of thought

While the others were saying things like ‘don’t look so excited about it’ or ‘be more respectful’, Ren look outside the window to see all the commotion. Outside the local graveyard there was a handful of people wearing black but not mourning at all. At the entrance of said graveyard was a big frame with a picture of the deceased

It looked like an elderly woman

It looked like Akiko-san

Ren didn’t feel anything at all

The van slowly continued through town. They eventually reached a river bank, which made possible to see the town’s only river. It was the same as he remembers it but this time it was filled with lotuses, which were floating to wherever the stream took them

“They are so pretty” Ann commented

“Truly beautiful”- Yusuke said as he tried to take out his sketchbook, but stopped when he noticed he didn’t bring it with him- “So unfortunate I can’t picture their beautiful forms”

“I wonder what they are doing there, that river doesn’t look like their habitat” Haru said

And she was right; Ren remembers a story his mom told him once: apparently, long long ago there were two lovers who live in this town but their love could not be. It was a pretty cliché story so basically one of the lovers died and, to commemorate their death, the other lover would put lotuses on the river

He didn’t like that story at all

“It’s some sort of a tradition here”- he might as well explain the strange custom- “When someone dies, people who were significant to their lives put lotuses on the river as a parting gift. They probably are for the person we saw earlier at the graveyard”

“But why so many?” Ryuji asked

“It depends on the amount of years you live. If I were to die today, there would be only 17 lotuses”

“Ren-Ren, dude, don’t say that”

And that’s when he noticed how everyone was looking at him and how everyone had a worried expression. He didn’t understand why the mood was so grim until it hit him

If Sae’s heist didn’t work, there would be 17 lotuses floating on that river

He wanted to apologize, to just say something, but Makoto (bless her heart) practically destroyed the grim mood by saying “Those are white lotuses, aren’t they?”- everyone looked out to make sure she was right- “Those in particular are associated with rebirth in Buddhism. It’s probably a message saying ‘we will waiting for your return’ or something like that”

Everyone look confused at Makoto’s statement, so she decided to elaborate a bit “Buddhism has this concept called reincarnation, do you know what that is right?”

To her relief, everyone understood what she meant and it wasn’t necessary to explain any further 

Ren looked out of the window and continue admiring the flowers; even though they were for a despicable person, it was still nice to think that there’s people who still care enough for you to waste a bunch of flowers 

 

_'Have a safe trip to wherever you go, Akiko-san’_   

 

“Wait, isn’t Ren’s name written like lotus?”

 Took way too long for these idiots to notice

* * *

Going back home was the last thing he wanted to do

He knew the moment he stepped out of the van everything that made his life so happy was going to fell apart, he knew he would have to say goodbye to his friends, he knew his name would be forgotten as it once was

Those were the things he was expecting, what he wasn’t expecting though was his mother waiting for him outside of their house, with a face full of happiness and relief; but those expression were changed with surprise when she saw the van full of teenagers stopping at the entrance and said teenagers stepping out the vehicle 

“Oh my, Sakura-san said that your friends would bring you back”- she said with a grimace that almost looked like a smile- “But he never said something about a big group. I wonder if there is enough space...”

Ren was confused at this, what did she mean by that...?

“Oh, didn’t we tell you?”- Ryuji said with a mischievous smile- “We’ll stay the rest of the holidays here”

And he was honestly surprised. He thought the last to weeks were so they could spend as much time together as they could, he wasn’t really expecting this to happen

Not like he minded, he was actually happy

One by one his friends entered the house, making comments about how first class it was and how in the hell he wasn’t grumpy staying in an attic. Ren could only smile at that last comment

He was about to enter the house and give them a small tour when his mother took his hand; he looked at her and felt some weird emotion he couldn’t really describe

There were tears on her pale face, but her expression was full of happiness

“Welcome home, Ren”-she said softly- “I missed you, did you miss me?”

And at that moment he knew he was actually glad to be back

“I missed you so much mom”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I like the idea of Ren's name being written with the kanji used for lotus, I've always seen this as "he left his past self and helped others leave their past selves behind" (you know, bc of the whole rebirth thing and stuff)
> 
> Anyway, this is a fanfic I wrote a while ago but never had the courage to post bc is really shitty, but my new year resolution was to post all the fanfics I have so...
> 
> This whole "Ren/Akira has a twin AU" is a concept I find very interesting and maybe I will write more about in the future(?) not really sure about that
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you liked this crappy fanfic of mine


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